Razor's Edge
by alizabethianrose
Summary: Jeff Hardy is drowning in darkness. Can the most unlikely person save him? Slash Jeff/Undertaker. I suck at summaries.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own Jeff Hardy or any of the wrestlers in this story. I do not know them personally or have any clue on their lifestyle or sexual orientation. This story features slash if you don't like it don't read. Also I in no way condone cutting or hurting your self. Having said that please enjoy. I love feedback whether good or bad let me know what you think.

Chapter 1

Jeff stared hazily at the ceiling the Demerol clouding his brain. Finally the pain of going through yet another table began to subside. The TLC match had been brutal on his body but fed his addiction to adrenaline. He was an addict he did not deny this truth but not to pills or liquor like most people assumed. Staring in the face of death and laughing, that was his drug of choice. Adrenaline got him higher than any drugs could. Normally he would have turned down the painkillers offered to him, however he'd landed wrong coming off one of the ladder spots, his body taking more of the extreme impact of the Swanton from a twenty foot ladder then normal. Jeff chuckled to himself only he would think jumping off a twenty-foot ladder would be normal. Though lately it had become more and more expected of him, he was taking bumps off his card almost every time he got in the ring. Matt kept telling him to slow down, to tell the higher-ups no. Matt didn't understand that he lived for those moments. Becoming frozen in time, gracefully soaring through the air, unsure if the landing would mean paralysis or possible death. Lying there after crashing through some object, while every nerve in his body screamed in protest. Being able to breathe knowing he'd made it through one more match alive, unscathed. Proving the naysayers wrong again.

He heard the whispers behind his back. How he was destined to be paralyzed before the age of thirty. How he used drugs to kill the pain he inflicted upon himself. That he was a freak, crazy, needed mental help. While he didn't deny being slightly left of center, a little more imaginative then most wrestlers, he was in no need of a loony bin yet. He'd be the first to let them know when he was. He smiled remembering Mark's face when he had asked him to define normal and show him someone who was quote, unquote normal. Mark had tried unsuccessfully finally giving up and just shrugging at Jeff. He also had no reason to use drugs to numb the pain. Normally he would thrive off the pain, live for it. Pain was his drug. Jeff's thoughts were interrupted by a presence in the room. Turning his head he slowly focused on his brother "Hey Matty."

"Hey Jeffero how are ya feeling? Any better?" Matt's concerned made Jeff smile. He felt Matt lean over and adjust the ice pack on his back. Matt's fingers begin to massage his lower back gently.

"Yeah the pain is pretty much gone. I'm getting tired just waiting for my mind to relax as much as my body." Matt chuckled shaking his head.

"I'm not sure that even is possible bro. I don't think your brain knows how to relax." Jeff smirked at Matt his eyelids fluttering closed. "Get some rest Jeff. I'll see you in the morning." Matt turned to leave the room. Normally they shared a room but lately Jeff had been demanding his privacy and wanting separate rooms. Matt didn't understand why but anytime he tried to talk to ask Jeff about it they ended up fighting so he had given up for now.

"Night Matt, love ya" murmured Jeff. Matt tucked the blankets in around Jeff.

"Love ya too" he whispered. Kissing Jeff's forehead and leaving the room.

Jeff awoke around three in the morning. Feeling slightly out of place, it took a moment for him to orient to the darken hotel room. He stood stiffly the pain meds had begun to wear off. Walking into the bathroom he splashed some cold water onto his face. Staring at himself in the mirror he wondered briefly who the person looking back at him was. Dark circles underneath lifeless green eyes, stared at him blankly, scaring him for a moment till he pushed down the fear quickly placing his mask back on. Reaching for his shaving kit he pulled out a plastic bic. Pulling the top off to reveal the razor blade he pried the thin metal loose and sank to the floor his back to the counter. Bringing his hand up the flash of silver between his fingers elevating his heartbeat. He began to cut little lines into his upper arms. Feeling the rush of a tainted pain as little beads of blood formed on the surface of the skin. He'd easily be able to hide the marks he was making on his arms with body paint and the arms socks he wore to the ring. Jeff normally kept the wounds shallow but the Demerol still in his system caused him to cut deeper, in order to feel the extreme pain he was craving.

It had become more of a ritual lately, waking every night. Making his way into the bathroom of whatever hotel they were currently staying at. Cutting his body until he became num. Losing him self in a cloudy world of euphoria. Bordering somewhere between the lands of sanity and deranged. Until at last his weary body was lost again in the blissful world of dreams and desires.

However this night was different, his longed for escape seemed to elude him. Causing him to stroke the blade across his skin, faster, harder, almost in a frantic state. Until at last he could no longer find a spot on his arm not covered with his own blood. The blade fell from his trembling fingertips. He was gasping, clawing, trying to gain a grip on reality. Jeff wrapped his arms around his knees beginning to rock. Sobs were shaking him to the core of his soul. He sent out silent pleas for the madness that had taken over his soul to end. He started to pound the back of his head into the counter behind him. Harder until it became a pure blinding pain, still the void did not end. Hoping to knock him self unconscious he tried to slam his head back as hard as possible. Only to come into contact with a decidedly much softer human hand. Jeff turned his head wildly. His eyes coming into contact with two very worried orbs. A shaking hand reached out and took his arm. Turning it to look at the marks Jeff hand made. A frowned formed on the man's lips. "What the hell Jeff? What did you do to yourself Skittles?" The first part of the words spoke in anger the rest gentler at the fear he saw reflecting in the young man's face.


	2. Chapter 2

See the warnings in Chapter 1. Thank you for reading.

Chapter 2

Mark watched as Jeff's chest rose and fell in a steady pattern. Trying to shake the image of Jeff when he'd walked into the bathroom. At first he'd thought Jeff had slashed his wrist. Mark had never been so thankful in his life when he'd realized Jeff had cut up his arm but not his wrist. Mark had cleaned Jeff up, he felt some of the cuts should have stitches but Jeff had adamantly refused to go anywhere near a hospital. Mark had offered to get a doctor and Jeff had just rolled his eyes. "I'll be fine Mark." Although he had let it go Mark doubted Jeff was anything but fine. Mark's first instinct had been to go get Matt but Jeff had pleaded with him, begged him not to. Jeff had been on the verge of hysteria all over again so Mark had promised not to tell anyone. He'd finally got Jeff asleep and now he had too many questions floating in his own mind to relax. How long had Jeff been doing this to himself? Why? How hadn't they all noticed what Jeff was doing, what he was going through? Sure Jeff was a little eccentric at times. Definitely a little weirder then the average person but that's what made him Jeff. There was innocence, a simple purity about the young man. His ever-changing hair and flare for a more dramatic style caused people to gravitate towards Jeff. Granted it was usually out of curiosity but once you got to know Jeff you were hooked. Thinking of Jeff made Mark remember a couple of lines from a Walt Whitman poem he had once read. "Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself. (I am large, I contain multitudes)" Multitudes that's what Jeff was. Had he just seen another layer of Jeff Hardy tonight? Mark sighed unsure how to help Jeff but knowing he wanted to, petrified of what might have happened if he didn't help him. What could have happened tonight if he hadn't heard the pounding of Jeff's head against the counter? Jeff could have. . . He shook his head to stop the line of thoughts. Resting his head back against the chair sleep finally taking over his thoughts.

Jeff tugged the sleeves of his sweatshirt down subconsciously given himself a sense of security. Watching as Mark made his way down the hall of the auditorium looking around for a door to escape into. He had been avoiding Mark since the morning he had awoken to see Mark asleep in a chair. After realizing what had happened hadn't been a terrible nightmare, Jeff had panicked throwing Mark out of the room and deciding never to speak to him again. It had been a week and avoiding Mark was becoming increasingly more difficult. Jeff saw an open room and slid in closing the door. He leaned against the wall taking a deep breath. His eyes flew open as the door opened and Mark walked in. Jeff tried to hide the pure fear from his face and forced a smile. "Hey Jeff whatcha doing in Glen and mines locker room?" Mark questioned, Jeff internally groaned. Great he had just escaped into Mark's locker room.

"I was looking for you Mark. I just wanted to thank you for taking care of me the other night. You didn't have to do that." Jeff said lying through his teeth. Mark cocked an eyebrow looking at Jeff quizzically.

"That's kind of funny Jeff. I was almost positive you've been avoiding me. But you're welcome. Jeff, you are my friend and I care about you. Do you want to talk about what is going on? Why you were hurting yourself."

"No, Mark I'm fine. I was just having a really bad night. I was not avoiding you I've been busy." Jeff headed for the door hoping to end the conversation. Mark gently grabbed Jeff's arms to stop him. He pulled Jeff's sleeve up, tracing his fingers along the cuts on Jeff's arms. Jeff watched Mark's fingers, feeling a strange tingle in his stomach. Jeff looked up quickly his eye's meeting Mark's he suddenly couldn't breathe. He felt surrounded by safety and something he couldn't quite put his finger on. Mark smiled and tucked a strand of purple hair behind Jeff's ear. Jeff felt the tingle growing into a tightening; his jade eyes focused on Mark's lips suddenly he felt the craving to taste those lips.

"I've got to go Jeff I have a meeting with JR. If you want to talk let me now. Anytime okay." Jeff nodded unable to form an actual answer. He watched as Mark left the room. Feeling a loss as the door closed. What the hell had just happened, had he really thought about kissing Mark? Mark was a guy for goodness sakes, and Jeff wasn't gay. He had never wanted to be with a guy before. Jeff's eyes widen as he realized what he had been unable to put his finger on. He had felt desire. He had wanted Mark. MARK!! Jeff couldn't breath, couldn't think, he felt like he was drowning. Jeff dug his nails into the palm of his hand trying to stop the emotional tidal waves.

Jeff just sat listening to Matt ramble on about their match and what they were going to do. Jeff sighed unconsciously scratching at the cuts on his arms. They were starting to heal and itch. Part of Jeff was hoping to reopen them and feel the sweet taste of pain. Matt began to look at Jeff with questioning. Fuck Jeff thought he had been too obvious about his arms. "Well, Jeff?" Matt had asked him a question great now he had to admit to not paying any attention to his brother. He listened to the lecture for about twenty minutes before standing.

"I get it Matt, I need to pay more attention this is a job. I need to stop taking my talent for granted. I am nothing but a complete fuck-up. Check" Jeff stormed off leaving a very concerned Matt in his wake. "What the hell is wrong with him now?" Matt asked the empty room searching for answers in the stillness.

Jeff went to a secluded corner of the auditorium and yanking his sleeve up raking his nails roughly over the cut skin groaning in satisfaction as the scabs peeled off under his assault causing a shallow pain. Wishing he had grabbed his bag, he had a razor hidden in it. He needed more but for now settled for the brief pain. Jeff's finger began to get sticky with his blood. Jeff wished Matt could understand him. He needed someone to understand the demons that clouded Jeff's thinking. He never felt good enough, especially in the eyes of his big brother. Self-doubt should be his middle name. He didn't understand what people saw in him. He was just a rainbow-colored, green-eyed freak. Most days he would have to look in the mirror to tell you what color his hair actually was. Jeff knew he had plenty of friends but none of them even knew who he really was. The hell he went threw fighting his own mind day after day. Jeff wrapped his arms around his knees lost in his memories. It had been so long now that he had felt normal. That doubt hadn't eaten at his mind. Wrestling had once been his only solace now it seemed to be more of a burden.

Jeff felt hot tears once again streaming down his cheeks. He wished he could just get threw one day without crying. Lately it seemed to Jeff that the only way out was death. Killing himself felt like an answer to his prayers. He just was scared to leave Matt behind afraid that he wouldn't be able to deal with his brother's death. The other thing was how to do it. Overdosing, slitting his wrists, hanging himself, driving his car off a cliff. He had contemplated purposely taking a bump off one of the ladders wrong and hoping that would kill him, unfortunately he had nixed that idea as he could just end up a vegetable or paralyzed. He had started more then one letter of good-bye to his friends and family, unable to ever finish them. He prayed for a savior, an angel to take him away from the pain and remind him of how to be whole again. How to smile, laugh and live again. How to breathe again. He had a faint memory of these things. He looked up and saw a figure standing in the light. A halo seemingly appearing over there head. "Skittles" whispered a voice as Mark held his hand out. A voice in Jeff's head cried out "Trust him, he could save you."


	3. Chapter 3

Jeff reached out hesitantly placing his hand in Mark's much larger one. He allowed Mark to pull him to his feet and lead him down the hall. Clinging to Mark's hand as he was led into a locker room. Mark's brother Glenn looked up and seeing Jeff with Mark he stood excusing him self from the room. Jeff looked after him as Mark led him to a chair. "Don't mind Glen he is not very social." Jeff just nodded his head unable to find his voice. He reluctantly let go of Mark's hand but his eyes followed him around the room. Watching as Mark retrieved a first aid kit. Settling down in front of Jeff, Mark slid the sleeve of the shirt up and began to clean the blood and cuts Jeff had reopened. Jeff just watched him with weary eyes waiting for the lecture he expected to come. The few times Matt had found him in this condition the yelling after just made Jeff feel worse. Mark finished cleaning and with gentle fingers bandaged his arm. When down he looked up at Jeff and tucked a strand off hair behind his ear gently. Jeff leaned against the hand as Mark cupped his cheek. He closed his eyes as Mark's thumb traced small circles along his jaw line. "So my little sprite what do I do with you now?" Jeff shrugged murmuring that he wasn't little Mark was just huge. Mark chucled lightly and leaned back against the seat he was in. "Can I ask you something?" Jeff hesitated but nodded. "Why do you do it? Cut yourself I mean." Jeff stared down at the floor and sighed fidgeting in the chair. Mark lifted Jeff's chin and stared into the green eyes waiting for an answer.

"I. . . I. . ." Jeff was trying his hardest to find the right words to answer Mark without giving too much away. "It helps me feel better. I like the pain." He admitted this hoping it would end the conversation. Mark just waited for him to elaborate. "I just get so numb sometimes and the pain snaps me out of it. The adrenaline keeps me from falling apart." Mark took a deep breath continuing to caress Jeff's jaw.

"So what happened the other night? It looked to me like you were not going to stop until you seriously hurt yourself or end your own life. Are you suicidal?" Jeff quickly shook his head no.

"The pain just wasn't enough usually it's not that bad I was just having a bad night and you happen to find me in a really bad place. I don't want to die at least I think I don't want to. I am not really sure anymore though sometimes it seems like it would be a better solution then living like this so I guess sometimes I am suicidal" He blurted all of this out without thinking trying to just confide in someone for a change. Trusting that Mark wouldn't call 911 and have him admitted to the nearest psych hospital. Mark pulled Jeff closed and hugged him tightly. He held the younger man for a few minutes rubbing his back soothingly before releasing him and standing.

"Stay right there I will be right back. No moving got me Skittles?" Jeff cocked his head at the nickname but nodded. Mark was gone for only a few minutes but it was long enough for Jeff to realize what he had told him and to start having a full blown panic attack thinking Mark had left to go and get the police or doctors or god forbid Matt. The door opened and Mark walked back in carrying Jeff's bag. "Let's go skittles we are out of here for the evening." Jeff looked at him confused.

"I can't leave I have a match tonight." Mark laughed and pulled Jeff up. Leading him towards the door.

"Don't worry bout it Skittles I cleared our schedules for the next few days you are going to come stay with me in Texas and I promise to help you any way I can. I will help you feel better." Jeff just allowed himself to be lead out to Mark's car.

""I can't leave without telling Matt" Mark smirked shaking his head.

"Have more faith in me than that I already talked to him. He knows where ya will be. Now get it Skittles we have a plane to catch." Mark opened the door for Jeff and he slid in.

"Why do ya keep calling me Skittles?" Mark shrugged at him.

"Your hair reminds me of a rainbow and ya are always eating the damn things so why not." He closed Jeff's door and sighed. "Plus I have always wondered if ya would taste like one and I have always wanted to taste the rainbow." With the door closed he didn't think Jeff had caught that last part but if he had been paying attention he would have noticed the blush creep across Jeff's face and the slight smile as Jeff briefly wondered if the big bad Undertaker was flirting with him after all he seemed rather interested in his life as of late. He must be watching me if he knows how many Skittles I eat. Maybe I should let him taste the rainbow he thought as the building flew by he glanced over at Mark out of the corner off his eye. This could be a very interesting few days. Very interesting indeed decided Jeff.


	4. Chapter 4

I know it has been forever since I updated any of my stories but I am currently working on all of them, thanks for all the great reviews. Without further ado here is the next chapter. It is short but sets up for future chapters.

Jeff awoke slowly stretching aching muscle and stiff joints it took him several moments to remember where he was as he looked around the bright room it finally dawned on him he was in Mark's guest room. He stood looking around he spotted the bathroom and headed in. After a long shower to loosen the rest of his body he pulled on a pair of low cut jeans and a black wife beater leaving his long hair flowing over his shoulder he headed down the stairs. He followed the scent of coffee and found the kitchen, standing in the vast room he looked at the cupboards unsure of where to find a mug. "Third cupboard to your left, second shelf," Jeff jumped at Marks words spinning around he looked at him startled. "Sorry didn't mean to scare you; I figured you heard me come in the room." Mark reached past Jeff's head opening the cupboard and pulling out a mug. Jeff felt his heart begin to beat faster and his body slightly reacting at the close proximity of Mark's body. Realizing Mark was holding the cup out to him he grabbed in quickly blushing he turned to the coffee pot.

"For a big man you sure can move quietly" he muttered. Mark chuckled just getting out the cream and sugar and watched as Jeff put half of the sugar in one cup of coffee. He shook his head.

"Umm Jeff shouldn't you have some coffee with that sugar." Jeff just glared at him as he sat at the table taking a big swig of the coffee. Hissing as he burned his tongue Mark just shook his head. Jeff was not the most graceful person outside the ring he briefly wondered how he had survived in this business for so long but brushed the thought away as he sat down beside Jeff.

"Thanks for letting me stay with you for a few days Mark but I don't want to be an imposition on you or your wife and kids." Mark burst into laughter and Jeff's head shot up wondering what was so funny. He waited for Mark to compose himself before asking him why he laughed.

"You don't listen to locker room gossip much do you Jeff. Sarah and I divorced a year ago. She didn't like my schedule or the company I kept. Really didn't appreciate it when she found out John Morrison was keeping my bed warm at night. I see my kids every few weeks I wish it were more but they know I love them. So therefore you are not an imposition."

"I'm so sorry about your divorce I don't really talk to a lot of people back stage and had no clue. Our schedules can be very difficult." Jeff paused his eyes widening "Wait did you just say you are sleeping with John Morrison? Are you gay?" Jeff spit out green eyes staring intently at the man in front of him. Mark smirked chuckling at Jeff.

"I was sleeping with John it's been over for a while. As for my sexuality I find the human body to be a beautiful thing and embrace sexuality but if you must label me than bi-sexual would suffice. What about you Jeff do you find men attractive?" Jeff immediately got a deer in the headlights look and stared at the floor.

"I've never had feelings for a guy until recently and I'm not sure how to deal with them yet." Mark stood walking over closer to Jeff he leaned down watching closely wanting to know if he was the man Jeff was talking about he felt a sense of satisfaction as a look of desire appeared in Jeff's eyes and the green darkened slightly. He leaned down the rest of the way and place a kiss on the corned of Jeff's mouth he held it there for a moment before standing he picked up the first aid kit he had brought with him into the kitchen upon hearing Jeff descend the stairs. Jeff watched unsure if he could trust his own voice as Mark cleaned his arms.

"Jeff I think a couple of these are infected and I know you don't want to go see a doctor so I am going to call a friend of mine" he saw fear flash in Jeff's eyes and squeezed his hand reassuringly. "Don't worry Skittles he won't say anything to anyone I trust him." Jeff seemed to contemplate this for a moment before nodding his head. Mark stood and brushed a strand of hair off Jeff's cheek "I know how weird it is to have feelings for a man for the first time so if you need a shoulder to lean on feel free to talk to me about anything." Jeff his lips still tingling from the small little peck took a deep breath and stood. Either doing the bravest or stupidest thing he had ever done in his life he leaned up and pressed his lips firmly to Marks hoping he wasn't going to ruin the budding friendship. After a few moments he felt Mark's arms encircle his waist and the response he had been praying for. When Mark's tongue demanded entrance into his mouth he parted his lips and sank into the man. Several moments later he made himself pull away taking a step back he took a deep breath.

"Thanks Mark for everything you have no clue how much this all means to me" He turned quickly and fled to the safety of his room Jeff's heart beating so fast he brought his fingers to his lips still tasting Mark and realized that although he had been kissed in the past he had never been truly kissed and now that he had there was no way in hell he was going back to boring after seeing the fireworks.


	5. Chapter 5

Mark watched as his friend Devin cleaned Jeff's arm, he had called the man after Jeff had fled from the kitchen, and although Jeff was watching him with intense eyes scrutinizing every move the doctor made he was allowing his cuts to be taken care of. Mark stood from the couch and touched Jeff's shoulder lightly "I am going to go into the kitchen for a second if you need anything just yelled, and stop worrying Skittles, Devin won't say anything to anyone I trust him." Jeff sighed dramatically and nodded causing Mark to chuckle lightly as he made his way out of the room, he slid out the deck doors and pulled his phone from his pocket dialing John Morrison although they were no longer together they remained close friends, John was currently dating Jay aka Christian. He listened to the ring back tone of I'm too Sexy and laughed knowing Jay had been messing with JoMo's phone.

"Hey mark, what's up?" Mark smiled at the friendly tone although he had never loved he kid he cared for him greatly.

"Not much just wanted to call and see how you are doing, my house guest in indisposed at the moment so I thought I would check on you"

"I'm good but what's really going on? We both know you don't just call to check up on me I am a big boy after all." Mark shook his head and smirked John knew him so well.

"I can't really talk about it let's just say my house guest has put me in an interesting position."

"House guest who would that be, and what type of position doggy style, reverse cowgirl, or something kinkier." Mark had to roll his eyes he had walked right into that and should have seen it coming.

"Jeff is staying with me for a few days and we are not having sex so get your mind out of the gutter Morrison"

"Jeff as in Hardy your crush, what he do, and why is he at your place you don't exactly like people in your home, messing with your stuff."

"Yes Jeff hardy and I do not have a crush on him, and let's just say it is complicated and I am worried for his safety."

"You have had a crush on him forever; anyone with two eyes can see that. His safety Mark that's a little vague if ya want my advice I need more to go on. Is it drugs, abusive relationship, danger to himself? Spill Mark I need details." Mark sighed knowing he needed to talk to someone and he trusted John he glanced inside to see Jeff was still occupied and took a deep breath.

"John let's get one thing straight I do not have a crush on the boy, he just really needs help. I found him slicing up his arms the other day scared the hell out of me. He told me he is addicted to the pain I think the boy seriously needs help and when I talked to his brother about it he pushed it aside saying that Jeff is weird and he does shit like this it will pass. I think Matt just doesn't know what to do and is scared but not really being helpful"

"Well Mark that's a lot of info to take in, do you know how long Jeff has been a cutter, in my experience cutting is just a way to mask a deeper issue. So I would start by helping him see the bigger picture. I guess you can just be there for him but don't be you normal self"

"What do you mean by that John don't be my normal self"

"Well it's you and at times you can be a little hard on people and expect a little too much. You need to handle this situation with gentler tact ya know not so much like the undertaker but like the good guy I know is inside." Mark rolled his eyes and glared at the phone for a few seconds.

"I do not expect too much from people I just try to get the best out of everyone. I know I have to handle this different Jeff is different more sensitive and unique, there is just such a quiet softness to the storm he creates and a beauty to what he does it can be mesmerizing. So I plan to handle this complete different that is why I am calling you for advice."

"Okay nope no crush there not at all Jeff is just has a unique soft beauty that is mesmerizing. Mark be careful here I think you want more out of this then just to help Jeff, take it slow he is obviously not in a good space. Just be there for him, help him through the dark times and try to be patient. I am glad ya called me for advice its better than you sticking your big ass foot in your mouth and ruining this before it gets started. As far as Matt goes I can talk to jay, and tell him to talk to Adam about getting matt on board the helping part." Mark hesitated not wanting too many people to know about what was going on with Jeff, but knew he would need help and that Matt would play a big part in Jeff getting the help he needed and Adam could convince Matt of anything.

"Okay I think that could help just try to keep it to need to know information. I don't want Jeff to think I betrayed him. Also stop twisting my words I do not have a thing for Jeff we just that kissed once."

"You guys have kissed! When, where, was it amazing? I want details Marky Mark and don't leave anything out." Mark hit his forehead with his hand having not intended to share that information.

"Earlier today we kissed and well it was intense. Now stop being so nosey. It is not like Jeff is interested in me anyways."

"Why would Jeff not be interested, did he pull away from the kiss, or is that just your own insecurities."

"I am a lot older then Jeff and he has never even dated a guy so he probably isn't even into guys. I am not insecure just realistic John." John shook his head at the bigger man's words.

"Mark just go with the flow, stop putting so much pressure on yourself if you and Jeff are meant to be then it will happen. Jeff doesn't date a lot of people and maybe he just never found the right guy to date. I need to run know Mark, Jay just got home and he wants some sweet sweet loving from the shaman of sexy. Talk to ya later." With that John hung up the phone and Mark was left feeling, well not quite worse but not very much better. He turned and headed back inside as he opened the deck doors he didn't notice Jeff walking straight into him. With oomph Jeff landed hard on his back as they collide in the kitchen. Mark tried to steady himself but got caught in Jeff's legs falling he quickly put his hands out catching most of his weight as he landed on top of Jeff. Jeff giggled at the closeness of their bodies.

"If ya wanted me on my back underneath you all you had to do has ask Mark, didn't have to plow me over." Mark felt himself blushing at the implication in those


	6. Chapter 6

Mark felt himself blushing at the implication in those words but couldn't help leaning down and capturing the younger man's lips with his own. Mark deepened the kiss slowly not wanting to scare the younger man, his tongue sweeping softly along Jeff's lower lip asking gently for permission he could feel a few moments of hesitation before the lips beneath his parted with a low moan and hands slid around his neck pulling Mark in closer. As Mark explored Jeff's mouth he had one brief thought "better than skittles" floated through his mind before Jeff's mouth came to life and all thoughts were lost. Marks hands slid along Jeff's smaller figure trailing across the tight stomach the only time there lips parted was to gasp for quick breaths. Mark slid his hand behind Jeff's knee sliding it to the side in order to create a much more comfortable place for the erection that was rapidly forming in his suddenly very uncomfortable jeans. Much to Mark's delight he found Jeff was in the same state as he was and he rocked forward gently eliciting a raspy moan from the younger man as fingers tightened in his hair. Mark pulled back and rolled his hips again watching the pleasure play across Jeff's features and noted he had never seen the younger man look quite so devour able was the only word that came to Mark's mind at that moment. He felt the little sprite's hand leave his hair and tug gently at the bottom of his shirt; easing back slightly he allowed Jeff to remove his shirt moaning as the younger man's hands explored his chest. He lowered his mouth to Jeff's neck nipping and sucking slightly. He felt the tremble beneath him and rolled his hips moaning as Jeff responded to the action. He was so lost in the feel of Jeff he didn't hear the clattering coming from the kitchen doorway or notice the intruder until Jeff stiffened and pulled away. Mark growled in frustration looking up at his friend Devin who was currently ten shades of red and trying to scoop stray pills off the kitchen floor. "Ummm sorry….. medicine…. Antibiotics… I'll go…. Call me later mark" stammered the man. At that moment Mark wanted to stand up and kill Devin he knew the moment was passed know he could feel it in Jeff's body language as reality set in for both of them. Jeff slid out from beneath Mark and quickly escaped the room. A moment later Mark could hear the bedroom door shut and he took a deep breath.

"I'll be with you in a minute Devin, just let me compose myself." The other man nodded and left the room. Mark lowered his head to the kitchen floor. Wondering what had just happened and how the hell it got so out of control so fast. Jeff was here for help not for Mark to jump his bones at the first chance. Jeff had never been with a guy before and he'd almost had his first time on Mark's kitchen floor. That wasn't what Mark wanted; maybe he needed some help here. If he couldn't keep his hands off the nymph for a day how the hell was Mark going to get to the root of the problems. After several minutes Mark stood he fixed his clothing and did his best to hide the bulge in his pants that did not seem to want to go anywhere, he needed a long cold shower after he got rid of Devin. He walked stiffly into the living room. Going to his mini bar he poured himself a glass of scotch walking over to the couch he sat. Staring at the amber liquid for several moments watching the way it swirled in the glass he finally looked up clearing his throat.

"So he needs antibiotics anything else Dev?" The man in question raised an eyebrow.

"Well I stitched up a few of the cuts keep a close eye on them, give him the antibiotics, get his some help before he kills himself, and oh that about covers it. Oh wait what the hell is going on Mark?" Mark took a deep breath.

"It's complicated and hard to explain, I am going to get him all the help he needs but Jeff also has to want the help I am not going to push it on him. He will come around in time. Thank you for the help today and I will call you if we need anything else." Devin rubbed his forehead.

"You in love with this kid Mark?" The question took Mark by surprise and a long startled silence followed. Little did Mark know there was another person lurking at the top of the stairwell curious about the answer to that question and he tucked a fiery strand of hair behind his ear swallowing hard at the silence that was filling the room.


	7. Chapter 7

"No… Yes… I am not sure yet I could be falling in love with him yes. May have been for a while but he is not in a place where he can love me back yet. I am hoping in the future we get the chance to be together but right now I don't think Jeff loves himself so getting involved in a relationship with me could be a very unhealthy move on his part. So for now do I have very strong feelings for skittles yes I do but I need to remember to refrain from acting on them at this moment." The answer both pissed off and delighted and saddened Jeff as he stood quietly returning to his bed room. He ran a hand through his wet locks he had taken a cold shower after running from the room. He sat on the edge of his bed and thought about what Mark had just said. Did he want Mark, the answer was becoming clear to Jeff, he had never felt so safe, as much desire, and need as he had laying beneath mark on the kitchen floor. Was denying his sexuality all these years part of the problem Jeff had been facing lately. He could clearly remember the look on his father's face when matt had informed him he was in love with Adam, the disappointment and hurt that his father had struggled with for a long time before becoming accepting of matt and his lifestyle. In part that could be why Jeff had never explored that side of himself having two gay sons would be difficult for his dad. Although looking at it he was sure he would come to terms with it quicker than matt most people already assumed Jeff was the gay one? So where did that leave Jeff, stuck he wanted Mark he could admit that to himself. But in Mark's eyes he was damaged goods and mark wanted him whole and healthy before he would be willing to pursue what had happen earlier further. Well I can be healthy and whole thought Jeff, how hard can that be? I just won't cut myself I will do what mark needs to prove that I am what he wants. It can't be that hard not to thrive off the pain. I just need to fill in the void that's going to leave with something else. Something healthy. Mark wanted him, may even be in love with him and Jeff was delighted but now he had to figure out how to start becoming whole. He sat there for a long time contemplating the answer to how but could not come up with any answers. He grabbed his phone and began to scroll through the contacts he went through them a few times before sighing. Who could he talk to about this without them freaking out at him? He suddenly knew the answer and scrolled to his brother's boyfriend's name. He had become close to Adam in the years he had been with his brother and was sure if anyone would be willing to listen and not over react it would be him. He hit send and listened to the ringing hoping he would answer.

"Hey Jeffero what's up?" Adam's tired voice sounded strained. Jeff had to smile Matt and Adam had been together from the moment they had met, though they had problems along the way Adam was completely devoted to Matt. A few years ago the two had exchanged rings not in any official capacity but Jeff knew as soon as they could legally marry they would. Last year Matt had decided he wanted children and although Adam had been hesitant he'd agreed, their friend Amy had agreed to be a surrogate and last month the couple had been blessed with twin girls which was the reason Adam now sounded tired. He was currently staying at home with the girls while Matt was on the road and sleeping through the night was not an option for him.

"Hey Addy, how ya doing, I wanted to talk to you about something but first how are the cutest nieces in the whole world doing?" Adam chuckled and sighed almost at the same time.

"I'm good tired but really good. As for your cute nieces, they are currently fed, bathed, changed and down for what I can only hope is several hours. Though knowing Liz she will be screaming in a few hours and wake Lexi up but that's life. Matt's coming home tonight so I get to sleep and Liz will too because your big brother will hold her all night instead of putting her in the bassinet encouraging her obsession with being held all the time and not sleeping anywhere but in your arms, thus driving me crazy yet again. Why do I put up with him again?"

"Could it be that your soul mates and would be lost without one another, and are miserable apart?" Jeff teased "Ya know you could always distract him from holding the baby all night after all I am sure neither of you have got any in a while and you are the rated r superstar." Adam laughed and Jeff could see him shaking his head.

"I'll keep that in mind Jeffero thanks, now what did you want to talk about I am sure it's not my sex life or lack of sex life. I just grabbed a cold beer and am sitting in a blissfully silent house so lay it on me." Jeff took a deep breath and chewed on his lip. He could hear Adam's quiet breathing and it soothed his slightly.

"Well sex is one of the reason I called you, not your sex life specifically but mine. See I think I am falling for a guy. I mean we've made out and it is amazing and I feel really good when I am with Mark, but it's complicated. I have issues I've been cutting myself and kind of thinking of suicide, and he found out and brought me to Texas and now I know he doesn't want to be with me until I am better but I don't know how to be better and I want to be with him. It's just so complicated and confusing and I don't know what to do so I need your help. Also does sex with a guy hurt?" Jeff just blurted it all out hurriedly hoping to just get the shock over quickly. He waited in the silence that followed, it seemed to draw out for a long time "Ummm Adam ya still awake there? Adam… Adam… ADAM!"

"Yes I am still awake who could fall asleep after that Jeff I am just trying to figure out what to say first."

"Oh okay" Jeff started chewing on his finger nail noting again he needed to repaint them.

"So ummm you like a guy huh, and that guy is Mark, as in the Undertaker and you've fooled around a little but nothing too serious. Okay well first off congratulations on realizing you were not completely straight Matty and I have been waiting on that for a while. Mark's a good choice for you, he's cared about you for a long time, just take it slow Jeffero. As far as sex goes does it hurt depends on if you are giving or receiving, umm the first time you receive it hurts a lot but also feels amazing. Just make sure that you are well prepped and take it slow. After that it's different for everyone but also amazing when done right." Adam took another long pause and Jeff squired hoping that a lecture didn't follow.

"If you want to get better Jeffero than work at it. See a therapist, talk about your issues, why you cut yourself. Hell if ya really want help head to the nearest hospital get evaluated and admitted if they want you to do so. However don't brush this under the rug like you have done every time before with Matt. We both know there is a problem here and the only way to fix it is to admit it. I hear you doing that but only because you are afraid that Mark won't be with you, take a good long look at who you are and what you want in the future. Also if you ever try to kill yourself I will personally kick your fucking ass, you are vital to not only Matt's life but my girl's also and we all happen to love you." Jeff smiled at that and stood beginning to wonder around the room looking at mark's stuff.

"Thanks Adam, I needed to hear that could ya do me a favor and not talk to Matt about the Mark thing just yet it is really new and ya know how over protective he can be sometimes." Adam agreed and they chatted for a while. As they were about to hand up Jeff quickly stopped him. "Wait I have one more question, Adam how do you give a blowjob?" Jeff waited for an answer but a few seconds later the operate informed him he had been disconnected as Adam had hung up on him.

"How rude" Jeff muttered before heading out of the room to talk with Mark about the next steps he needed to take.

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Sorry for the long delay in updating I am currently working on this and my other stories and hope to update more often. I hope you are all still reading this and enjoy the progression. Reviews please!


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